Dark Moments
by TheKruemel
Summary: One moment can change a lot. It can change a life and alter a hung-up opinion. It can build confidence and shatter even the hardest of resolves. It can give years of struggle meaning and it can turn hope into deep despair. Sometimes all it takes is one little moment.
1. Broken

**This will be a collection of One-shots. Hope you'll like it :)**

**I never did and never will own Blood+**

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_~ Saya ~_

There are moments in life that leave your lungs with no air. They are like a bucket of cold water thrown into your face. They hit you in the pit of your stomach like an iron fist. They pull the rug out from under you and shatter your world just like that.  
A simple tick tock of the world's eternal clock can have such a deep impact on a life. Moments that feel like time has stopped altogether. Moments that feel like the globe will never continue to turn.  
There are these moments of suspense that leave you hanging in the air, unable to react.  
And then everything comes crashing down. The world keeps turning and time keeps ticking. Everything else goes on as if nothing happened while you stand in the middle of the broken pieces.

One little moment. That is all it takes.

Most people are lucky enough to experience only very few of those moments. Even if they leave them broken most people are able to pick up the pieces and move on over the years. For most people moments like these are the exception from an otherwise peaceful and happy life.

Saya has experienced a lot of those moments during her long life. Maybe it has to do with the fact that she has indeed lived for so long. There is a lot of room for tragedy in two centuries. She has long since stopped to count the times she couldn't breathe, the times that threw her off her feet. She has stopped keeping track of the many tears she shed for loved ones, the many times she cried because of the cruelty that life can be. She tries not to think about these moments that hit her like a punch to the jaw, but she will never truly forget what made her feel like this.  
There are so many moments like these that Saya has seen. She often can't remember when they happened only that they did. She also can't point out which experiences exactly made her world stop spinning, not all of them at least. There were moments she could get over quite easy even though they shell-shocked her when they took place. Then there were moments that were harder to get over, that took their time. There are also moments that still take their toll on her, that haunt her at night when she has trouble falling asleep. And then there is this one moment she knows she will never be able to handle. It's that one moment that still makes her freeze when the scene replays before her inner eye.

It's the moment at the opera when she saw how the balcony crumbled and Haji was buried under the debris. The air left her lungs when his body was crushed under the stones and time stopped for her. Her world stopped turning. She couldn't even react as tears began to fill her eyes, the building continuing to crumble around her and Kai pulling at her arm to get her to leave. In this one seemingly eternal moment in which her world stood still she felt numb safe for her violently pounding heart. Kai's shouting, the noises of the collapsing building, the roaring of aircraft were all just background humming, falling on her momentarily deaf ears. Her vision got blurry because of the tears flooding from her eyes while she was panting for air.

And then everything came rushing back. Her body felt like the ton of bricks had hit her, too, her ears fraught with the noise around her, her vision suddenly clear despite the tears and all she could see was the pile of rubble Haji was buried under. A bloodcurdling scream of his name tore itself from her throat before she was dragged outside by Kai.  
After that the world had indeed kept on turning with Saya standing in the middle of the broken pieces. The crater the bombing of the opera had created resembled the whole this one moment had torn into her heart.  
Everything that happened afterwards is like a dream to her, something she can't really remember when she finally wakes up days later on Okinawa. Her mind is trapped within the memory of that one moment. Wherever she looks she sees his smile. Whenever a soft breeze whistles in the trees she hears his voice, hears his final words. She tries to bite back the sobs that threaten to fall from her lips when she lies awake at night and recalls _those words _from him. The fact that he is gone has not even truly registered in her mind. It's not something she can understand easily. She knows how death looks and how it feels. Saya has suffered more than once from the deaths of people dear to her, people she loved and considered family. Still the loss of Haji is something she can't comprehend. He was always by her side, ever since the days at the zoo when she really was young. He's been there during her bright days and during her darkest moments. As long as Haji was with her Saya always had someone to reach out to. A life without him is unimaginable for her, especially a potentially immortal life. While she is unable to really understand that her closest companion might be gone forever she slowly begins to realize she never told him how much she trusted him, how much he meant to her. Deep down she knows it was unnecessary and that he knew without her voicing it. Haji had always known her best, maybe even better than she had known herself. But it still tears at her heart now that she will never get the chance to tell him again. It is ironic that usually it was Haji who helped her through those sad times when she didn't know how to move on. He was there after Riku died and he held her when Diva had crystallized before her eyes.  
Thinking about him is a vicious circle. She can't keep herself from thinking about him and each night there are a few alleviating moments when she recalls all the time spend together. But her mind always wanders back to New York and that fateful night. More often than not she mourns at night, tears dampening her pillow until the exhaustion from all the crying let's her fall asleep.

Even though this moment doesn't let her go, even though Saya can't let go of that memory, of Haji she has to move on. She has to try and pick up the pieces because that is what _he_ wanted for her. He wanted her to live and it is all Saya can do not to break down again and to fulfill his wish for a change. Sometimes she reprimands herself for thinking too much about him. Not because he isn't worth it, but because she is not alone anymore and because she never wants to be selfish again like she was when she first met Haji. There is her family now and she has no reason to turn her back on them after all that happened. A part of her is sure that this is what Haji would have wanted for her. In the end her family is something that makes Saya happy and her happiness was always important for him. Even Saya has to admit that she is relived that the war against her sister is over, that they did not fail completely. So she tries her best to appreciate what she still has, to live life to the fullest and to always turn to tomorrow.

During the day Saya manages to hold onto the words of her father. She looks after the twins, goes to school like she used to and helps her brother at the Omoro. She smiles at Kai and Kaori, at Julia and Lewis. And she really means it. A part of her _is_ happy, a part of her _is_ relieved. But there is always that little voice in the corner of her mind, crying like a broken child that lost what was most precious to it. And the pieces of that broken part of her self are fighting against each other. It is hope or maybe only denial against bitter despair. Hope that Haji is still alive, that he will return to her side if she just holds on a little longer, that he will return if she can just keep her eyes open for a few more days. And then hope turns into denial whenever the bitter part is gaining the upper hand. Whenever that broken voice within her whispers that Haji has been crushed under that balcony and that he is gone for good, that not even he can survive such destruction she will try to deny it with all her might. She keeps that battle with herself up for weeks and everyone is wondering how she can still be awake. It's not a miracle however, only plain desperation and stubbornness.  
But ever so slowly the little voice grows louder and makes it harder for her to be happy. To appreciate everything she has been given because something, _someone_ is missing. Every day it gets harder for her to get up, to find a reason for smiling. She still has them, but she is so tired. Tired of fighting with herself, tired of walking this earth with one part of her family missing, tired of living without him by her side.  
And then everything comes crashing down on her. The scene replays itself over and over again in her head and she can't stop the images and she can hardly keep from screaming out again like she did that night. But she is already too weak, her body too weary. She can't go on forever. Not with that memory, with that moment burned into her brain.  
So Saya finally succumbs to the primal need to sleep. A last glance at her family and friends, a last genuinely happy smile before her knees give out under her, before she finally gives in. She doesn't even have the strength to utter his name, it is too painful still. And then again there is this voice within, whispering that it would be better to never wake up, that a live without Haji is not truly a live and that in the end the world would be better off without her.  
So she only tells Kai to bring her to the tomb, to not tell anyone else. She doesn't want to bother them or interrupt their happiness. When she sees the stairs that lead to the crypt her vision is already blurry, her lids drooping. Kai's back is warm and his voice only a low humming background noise. Her mind is slowly drifting into blackness, feeling relieve for a brief moment that she doesn't have to face the next three decades without Haji.

Until sleep really overtakes her, her body wrapping itself into a protective white shell and dreams of a fair and handsome face, a gentle smile and sweet words murmured in a soft timbre begin to haunt her dreams. Haji is imprinted into her blood and soul, into her very being. And not even her hibernation can save her from the darkest moments of her life. The cocoon that should protect her during her slumber cannot keep the darkness that is waiting within her heart away from her. Without her real protector, without Haji as her anchor there is nothing standing between her and the memories she would try so hard to get rid of. She's lived for so long and yet one short moment in those almost two centuries will haunt her for the rest of her immortal life.

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**I've got a few more 'moments' in store for different characters. If anyone has another moment like this in mind feel free to leave a review with your idea or to send my a PM :)**

**As the title says this will basically contain Angst. There'll be another series with brighter moments (just not sure yet when I'm gonna start with that)^^**

**For anyone who reads 'Missing Link', I'm working on the 3rd chapter, so please bear with me a little longer ^.^**


	2. Faded

**Warnings for a twisted mind (don't know how else to put it)**

**I don't own Blood+**

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_~ Diva ~_

It is a peculiarity of humans that they desire what they cannot have. Be it tangible goods, fortune, fame or more of something they already possess. Aside from things that humans can achieve on their own there are things that are unreachable for them. But these are the treasures humans have an exceeding craving for. Eternal youth and beauty, everlasting health and an eternal life. Eternity has a great appeal on humans because death is the only thing that is inevitable. No human is meant to live forever. And so immortality is a most desired asset. Kings and emperors throughout history have tried to achieve it and yet they all failed. Their lives faded away like dust in the wind.

However what humans do not understand, what they cannot understand is that immortality is nothing to be desired. A being destined to life forever wishes for nothing more than for momentariness. In a world of fading creatures and fading amusement an eternal life can be like a curse. Humans with their short lives are blessed with the moment. They have the opportunity to breathe in, to live in the moment. And every moment in a human's life is entitled to have meaning. Every moment in such a short life can be precious and entertaining.

It is such entertainment that Diva longs for in her eternal life, the preciousness of the moment. She has everything a human could desire. Eternal youth, eternal beauty and health, inhuman strength and speed, riches that would take a lifespan to count, the chance to travel the globe and much, much more. With a click of her finger her chevaliers would let the world burn just to satisfy her. The world is her playground, her playball if she desires.  
And yet it is a terribly boring place to be at times. Especially if one has such a great amount of time to spend. Her chevaliers have their own plans they play along to and she lets them have their fun. Because fun is really all that matters for her. She doesn't have any ambition. There is no goal that she wants to achieve. Even though she was blessed with a beautiful voice she does not desire to be a popular singer. It is merely for her own amusement that she sings. She does it when she feels like doing it. And she stops when she isn't. Just like with everything else. There are no rules or boundaries for her. She is free to do whatever she desires.

And yet there are not many things she desires. She is not interested in the riches her chevaliers accumulate nor does she fancy the traveling. Most of the time she resides in her own little world. When she sings she immerges completely into her world where no one can reach her, not even her chevaliers. For the rest of the time she lives in a world that is not hers. A world she doesn't fit in and doesn't belong to, no matter how golden her chevaliers make it. It is a strange feeling and it angers her though she doesn't exactly know why.

She never learned to identify feelings. She doesn't care about others feelings and her own confuse her often enough. So she doesn't dwell on it and just follows them, just does whatever she feels like. And yet in the real world, the world of humans she has to adjust. It is for her own safety Amshel tells her. It's for the best. Diva doesn't understand the reasons, she is merely bored or frustrated when she can't act on her desires. She only does what he asks of her because he is someone she thinks she trusts. When asked she couldn't give a definition of the word, but she is convinced that trust is part of what she feels for her chevaliers. And because she trusts in Amshel's words she is even in the human world free to do as she pleases at times.

Diva never tries to understand those creatures that populate this world. Those creatures that are so unlike her. They are mere chess pieces in her game. Dolls made for her entertainment. It fascinates her how easy it is to break them. Physically and mentally. She hungers for the expression of terror in their eyes, for the smell of their blood and the sound of their rapidly beating hearts. The sound of breaking bones and pained screams is like the finest symphony for her. The painful changes of facial expressions, creased eyebrows, teeth marks on bloody lips and cramped muscles is more fascinating to her than any show could ever be. She laughs at them. Not out of spitefulness, but because she has no empathy. She doesn't know fear and so the reactions of humans she plays with are always unpredictable for her. It's something she never sees in her own little world or with her chevaliers. It is different, not boring and it amuses her. It brings color to the pale life she has to lead in her world of riches, marble halls and endless boredom. She listens eagerly, she smells bluntly and she watches interestedly. Watches with glowing eyes how the life is drained from her playthings. How they try to hold on to their meaningless existences. There is a kind of fear in dying eyes she never understands, but is always fascinated by. As if they would lose more than just their life force. As if with the blood that leaves their bodies something else would leave as well. She sees it in living people as well. It is the bliss of the moment, something she hasn't yet experienced.

Nathan says that many humans appreciate the little things. She sees children on the street who get excited about a cone of ice. She sees women who smile their brightest smile because of a single flower. The instant the common and meaningless thing is received seems to be a moment of utter happiness. She sees it everywhere. In her search for that bliss of the moment she tries it, too. And often enough she is interested in such things. A teddy bear, another doll, a dress, something she sees in the windows of a shop. And of course she always gets what she wants with a smile from Amshel, James or Solomon. But it doesn't satisfy her. So she takes a different approach. She simply takes what she wants without waiting for her chevaliers to get it. But when she finally has it she loses her interest in it very quickly, the bliss never makes itself known. The reprimanding of her chevaliers about how she could've gotten herself in danger does not reach her ears. She is angry because she cannot understand why it doesn't work. She can't have what she sees in humans. Those moments they seem to cherish are something she can never get.

So she goes back to her game. The only thing that really makes her happy or so she thinks. It is like trust to her. A word she cannot explain, but believes to know and to feel. She cherishes those moments when she has complete control. When there is no one and nothing that tells her to stop. The pleading of the humans she plays with doesn't count because they couldn't stop her anyway. It's the fun those moments bring her that she hungers for. Her curiosity spurs her on. She wants to know the differences between herself and humans. She wants to take them apart and see inside to finally understand. And since no one is holding her back she does just that. It is not because she actually wants to inflict pain. She doesn't know pain and so she cannot tell how cruel her actions really are. Much of her behavior equals a child's actions. She does things because she is curious and most of the time unable to grasp the consequences, at least on a moral level. Her cruelty often is just a sign that she is oblivious to her surroundings. She has little regard for what lies in her wake on her quest for that bliss she is somehow looking for. And so she keeps on searching for that moment, that essence that may give her what she wants, what she needs. It is nothing she knows how to accomplish. Maybe through fun, she thinks, through amusement that would end her boredom. But someday her cruelty lets her see what it is she's been looking for for so long.

It is not the blood of her victims, nor is it the screaming or the fear. Maybe it is not even the game itself though it amuses her often enough. It is a mere moment she longs for. A moment when she can link the results to her actions. A moment where she acts on purpose and that purpose is more than just her temper. A moment that gives her purpose. It is in these moments that she _sees, _that something deep within her understands. It is in these moments that she sees the true nature of being human. When she has torn apart the shell and reached the core. When her search finally ends and she feels pure bliss just like the humans she watches and whom she usually cannot understand.  
The circumstances are not always the same. It's not always upon the arrival of the inevitable, but she recognizes it when the moment arrives. She sees it in their eyes, always in their eyes. It's when they _understand_ there is no turning back. That no miracle or knight in shining armor will come to rescue them. That it is not a nightmare, but cruel reality. That they are indeed mortal and that but one moment is enough to take it all away. The realization shines in their eyes like stars on a clear night's sky amongst the fear they depict. She yearns for that shining like an addict yearns for his next kick. Because it makes her feel close. It makes her feel like she has a part in it, that she is a part of this very human world.

But just like for an addict the effect of the drug fades too quickly. It is only a moment that feels like eternity for those who live through it, but only a blink of an eye for the immortal witness. Because of her long lifespan a single moment never feels that long for her. The way she experiences time is different. And so she chases the next moment that brings her completion. She does it again and again for that short sliver of happiness and closeness that trickles through her fingers like sand when she's reached it. Because she cannot hold onto a single moment she hunts for the next and the next and the next. Her game continues for a tiny reflection of what it may feel like to be human. These fading moments show her the only thing that is unreachable for her thus linking her to the very humans she tortures. And just like a human that seeks something he will never gain, but is unable to give up on Diva keeps on seeking that feeling although it will never make her more human and although she will never be able to keep it. It's an endless quest for her, a vicious circle. The moment she gets to see the transience it fades away like a flower withering in the fall of its life. It's her desire for the bliss, for the kick that makes her reach out to the next flower and continue her bloody game, but it can never be enough. And her nature will not allow her to ever really understand what it means to be human. Because she is not a human after all and never will be.

But her striving to find what she can never get perhaps makes her more human than anything else. Diva longs for transitoriness as much as humans long for eternity. While time fades away for humans it will never pass for her. Time cannot affect her. Even when it does, when the time of her hibernation nears it is different. For her time is when she is awake and it isn't when she sleeps. But it never just goes by. Only when she watches dying eyes is she ever able to see the passing of time.

It's still not something she can explain even though she knows what she has to look out for. Diva would never say that it is the passing of time, the essence of mortality or the fading of a moment that attracts her. She doesn't know these words, she doesn't really gather their meaning and most importantly she doesn't care for fancy words. She only knows what she sees and what she feels sometimes. Whatever it is drives her actions and mood swings. She doesn't care as long as she gets what she desires. Fun is what she cares for, in her words.

It is a peculiarity of all sentient beings that they desire most what they cannot have. For Diva, an immortal Chiropteran Queen it is momentariness. The fading flower of a moment in her eternal time. This moment of bliss has already faded away, leaving nothing behind but a memory that, too, is fading from her grasp. But the time until the next tick is already passing.

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**Reviews please? ^.^**


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